Robot Chocobo
by CloudMistDragon555
Summary: A series of Robot Chicken-style sketches parodying the first ten Final Fantasy games.


**Prologue**

One day, the mad scientist Hojo found a young roadkill chocobo near his house. After making some modifications to the chocobo in his basement, he succeeded in reviving it and transforming it into...Robot Chocobo. And now, it appears he seeks to brainwash Robot Chocobo somehow, by strapping him to a chair and forcing him to watch…

...what's going on in the Final Fantasy worlds.

 **Final Fantasy I**

A fighter, a red mage, a black mage, and a white mage were walking through a forest far northeast of Pravoka. The fighter, who was getting tired on this journey, began to complain.

"Ugh…" the weary warrior groaned. "This is taking FOREVER! We're never going to get super-strong at this rate!"

"We're only 900 EXP points away from getting up to L9." the black mage pointed out.

"Yeah," chimed in the white mage, "and since good formations of Geists give out 70-115 EXP, and a formation of Ogres including an Ogre Chief gives out 160 EXP, that's only…"

"Guys, guys, guys." the red mage interrupted them. "I think you're forgetting one vvveeeerrrryyyyy crucial thing...intelligence is useless in this game."

The black mage and white mage then remembered that this was the NES version. The intelligence stat was bugged.

"Oh yeah…" the black mage said. "This is stupid."

"We're all stupid." the white mage added.

"Duh…" the fighter said. "Let's just walk to the edge of that cliff by the ocean for no reason."

"It's called a penin-" the black mage began before he remembered. "Oh right."

So the party started to just walk around the edge of the penin...cliff for no reason. Soon though, they were attacked by a giant dinosaur!

"EEK!" the white mage screamed. "GO AWAY!"

She pulled a mallet out of her robe (don't ask me why white mages can equip hammers in this game) and threw it at the dinosaur, hitting it square in the forehead. The dinosaur was knocked unconscious and fell backwards into the ocean. Soon, it drowned, and the party did a victory dance as they gained…

...846 EXP. They still had 54 EXP to go.

"...So, who's up for the Geist/Ogre Chief idea?" the red mage asked.

 **Final Fantasy II**

Firion, Maria, Guy, and Leon were fleeing from the Emperor's troops, the four dark knights...but they got caught because the run system in their game is terrible.

"Shit…" Firion said as the gang was surrounded and the Emperor's troops beat them up.

"Let that be a warning to ya." the imperial general of the troops said as he and the army left.

Eventually, Leon got up, having come to a realization…

"I know what I must do now…" he told himself. "To defeat the dark knights, I must become a dark knight!"

And so, Leon journeyed to seek guidance from Final Fantasy II's most notorious dark knight…

"Sorry," Cecil told him, "I'm a paladin now. And I'm only from the misnumbered version of Final Fantasy II. The one that's actually IV."

"Damnation!" Leon swore like Cecil in the Game Boy Advance version.

 **Final Fantasy III**

Luneth, Arc, Refia, and Ingus were just merrily waltzing into a room in Xande's castle when they saw a mysterious mirror in front of them. Suddenly, they were paralyzed!

"Ugh, we can't move!" they shouted.

"Don't worry!" Doga exclaimed in their minds. "I'll save you! I'll find five souls of light to break the mirror's curse!"

Elsewhere, in Castle Sasune…

Princess Sara was merrily waltzing around her bedroom when suddenly, Doga appeared in front of her.

"Princess Sara!" Doga cried. "I must ask of your…"

Sara was so shocked by Doga's abrupt appearance that she had a fatal heart attack.

"CURSES!" Doga bellowed as he teleported to the town of Canaan.

In Canaan…

Cid and his wife were just standing around when all of a sudden, Doga appeared in front of them.

"Cid!" Doga yelled. "I need…"

Cid and his wife were also so shocked by Doga's sudden appearance that they too were stricken with fatal heart attacks.

"NOAH DAMN IT!" Doga cursed. "I guess I'll have to try a more calm approach…"

At the Tower of Owen…

Doga quietly strolled through the top floor of the tower and looked around for Desch, only to find him nowhere.

"Desch…" he said somberly. "I was hoping you'd still be here…"

"Actually, I am still here." Desch's voice came from above.

In response to hearing Desch's voice, Doga got a feeling of hope and happily looked above...only to find Desch's ghost floating over him.

"No…" Doga said sadly. "I can't ask for your help…"

"Yeah sorry," replied Desch, "that lava I jumped into gave me third-degree burns. I'll need some time to recover from the damage that experience did to my soul."

"So now all who are left are Alus and the four old men…" Doga said as he teleported to Castle Saronia.

At Castle Saronia, Doga ran up the steps to the throne room to find the young King Alus sitting on his throne.

"King Alus," said Doga, "I humbly request that you come with me to help Luneth, Arc, Refia, and Ingus. They are in grave danger."

"Hmm…" Alus replied. "I don't know. You're not a pedophile, are you?"

Doga stood silent and then examined his shady demeanor for a short while before answering…

"No."

"Good!" Alus proclaimed. "Then I trust you with my life!"

Alus then followed Doga by his side as Doga teleported them both to Amur, where the four old men resided. Doga and Alus walked through the town and came up to them.

"Quad of elderly codgers whose names I do not know," said Doga, "would you please follow us to help Luneth, Arc, Refia, and Ingus out of dire trouble? Due to unfortunate circumstances, we must have all four of you present to complete the circle of the five souls of light."

"Sure!" the old men exclaimed happily. "We can all come! We like the sound of being 4/5ths of the five souls of light! Ha ha ha!"

"I'm only 20 percent of the group…" Alus said sadly. "That makes them 80 percent cooler…"

 **Final Fantasy IV**

Cecil, Kain, Rosa, and Yang were fighting to protect the third Dark Crystal from Golbez in the Underworld, but to no avail. Golbez's Dark Dragon was simply too powerful…

"Farewell, Cecil." Golbez said, about to finish Cecil off, when suddenly…

A Mist Dragon appeared and destroyed the Dark Dragon with its mist breath!

"What?!" Golbez cried.

Cecil and his party were then healed by the one who who summoned the Mist Dragon...Rydia!

"No, this can't be!" Golbez yelled as Cecil and his team beat him up. "AGH!"

It was then that Cecil and the others turned to Rydia.

"Rydia!" Kain exclaimed. "You're hot! And alive!"

Angrily, Rydia gave Kain's behind a good lash with her whip.

"And sexy when you're mad!"

"Thanks for the help." Cecil said politely.

"How did you become older though?" Yang asked curiously.

"Yeah, you look two years younger than me…" Rosa said, secretly jealous.

"And how did you find us?" Kain asked.

"I was coming back from the Land of the Summons," explained Rydia, "a place where everyone ages faster, with another guy who went through the reverse Peter Pan effect. We had sensed you were here and in trouble, so we came to help."

"Reverse Peter Pan?" Cecil replied in confusion. "Wait, that couldn't be…"

"NNGH!" Golbez grunted from behind. "I WON'T DIE! EVEN IF I HAVE TO TURN MYSELF INTO A HAND!"

So that's what Golbez did. He turned himself into a Floormaster!

"NO!" everyone screamed as they ran from Golbez, the walking hand. "WE DON'T WANT TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF THE DUNGEON!"

Cecil and his team cowered in the corner as Golbez's hand headed for the Dark Crystal…

"What do we do now?!" Kain cried. "What the HELL do we do now?!"

"...We pray." Rosa replied as she used her Pray ability.

A message then appeared above the party saying...

"Prayer was unanswered."

"Damn it."

But just then, an arrow was shot at Golbez's hand, piercing it and killing it instantly. Surprised, Cecil and the others looked over and saw...Link!

"Link!" they exclaimed. "You son of a bitch! You came into the wrong franchise just to save us!"

"You think I'd let anything make me miss this?" Link replied as he put away his trademark bow and arrow. "Especially after I got casted as a dead guy in the remake of the first Final Fantasy?"

"Wait a minute…" Rosa thought to herself as she looked at her bow and arrow. "I could've done that!"

 **Final Fantasy V**

Guido, the turtle sage, and Exdeath, the evil warlock, were fighting inside Guido's cave after Bartz, Krile, and Faris had been rendered helpless after being struck by Exdeath's magic.

"So, you do have some fight in you after all!" Exdeath complimented Guido.

"I haven't spent these last few centuries munching pizza…" Guido replied.

"You shall find no such delicacies in the afterlife!" Exdeath exclaimed.

Guido, Bartz, Krile, and Faris all just stared at Exdeath in puzzlement.

"...How come?" a perplexed Guido asked. "Is the ruler of the Great Beyond just a bigger fan of Chinese food?"

"No…" Exdeath replied with a sinister smile. "It is because I killed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! And when they got to the afterlife, they ate all the pizza there!"

Everyone gasped in horror.

"And I also killed Shredder just for the fun of it! MWA HA HA HA HA!"

"YOU MONSTER!" Guido bellowed.

Meanwhile, in the afterlife…

"Actually," said Shredder, "he killed me because I accused him of ripping off my costume design."

 **Final Fantasy VI**

Edgar, the womanizing king of Castle Figaro, had just been greeted by, Kefka, the evil imperial jester, and his men.

"What brings Emperor Gestahl's humble court mage, Kefka, to my castle?" Edgar asked Kefka.

"We heard that a rogue girl with sorcerous power fled from Narshe and took refuge here." Kefka explained. "Is this true?"

"And what if it is?" Edgar replied. "Do you plan to execute her?"

"Lies!" Kefka exclaimed. "She merely stole something of minor value!"

"What did she steal?" Edgar asked. "I'm interested, if I'm allowed to know the details…"

"Ha ha," laughed Kefka, "well if you must know...she stole my heart! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

Both Edgar and Kefka's men laughed too.

"Oh Kefka…" Edgar said. "I thought you'd know by now that I'm the one who makes those kinds of jokes. You know, the ones about you being a piece of shit."

 **Final Fantasy VII**

Cloud, Barret, and Tifa were in the City of the Ancients, where Bugenhagen was showing them what had been written about the spell, Holy, being the planet's last hope.

"So that's what Aeris was trying to do…" Cloud said in a crestfallen tone of voice. "But it's over now. When Sephiroth stabbed her, the pearl she was gathering magic in fell from the altar and sunk to the bottom of the water…"

"Yo, Cloud!" Barret exclaimed. "Get your spikey-ass head workin'! Ya forgotten about the submarine?! We'll just dive down in the water with it and get it!"

"Yeah," chimed in Tifa, "we just need to take the submarine from the dock point and push it into the City of the Ancients!"

So that's what the trio did. After a long endeavor of pushing the submarine, they made it to the area with the altar where Aeris' pearl fell.

"Alright, everyone!" Cloud exclaimed. "On three! 1, 2, 3!"

They all picked up the submarine and tried to throw it in the water...only to accidentally throw it too high, where it hit the altar and got busted up. The submarine then fell in the water and began floating in it.

"Don't worry!" Cloud said optimistically. "I'm sure with a few repairs, the sub will be fine…"

With that, the submarine began to sink.

"It's over now…" Cloud said somberly.

 **Final Fantasy VIII**

Squall, Zell, and Irvine looked at the paltry amount of magic that they had stocked up and groaned.

"What a drag…" Squall said as he facepalmed.

"SO BORING!" Zell exclaimed.

"The ladies are going to look at this as a deal breaker…" Irvine said in despondence over how small it was.

"We won't stand a chance against any powerful foes like this…" Squall said. "If we want to get stronger...we're going to have to get committed…"

Squall, Zell, and Irvine then went out into a field of strong monsters who had strong magic for them to draw. As the trio readied their weapons, the song Live to Win began playing as they spent hours drawing all sorts of powerful spells that made for very effective stat junctions. After many, many hours, they were back in Squall's room. They all had acne from how much they had been sweating out in the field and each of them was on a computer researching the best ways to utilize the magic they had acquired.

"Okay, Regen is the best spell at this point to junction to HP…" Zell said. "Good thing I have 100 of them, hee hee…"

"If I ever get 100 Triples, I better junction them to my strength instead of my hit rate since my gunblade already has a perfect hit rate…" Squall said.

"100 Deaths junctioned to status-attack means a 100 per cent chance of killing anything susceptible to instant death! Yee-haw!" Irvine exclaimed.

Something dawned on the trio…

"Wait a second…" they said to themselves. "If we need 100, the max amount, of any spell to fully utilize it...what the hell do we do when we actually need to cast the spell?! We can't use the magic without losing it!"

Some more research later…

"Oh…" they all went as they came to a realization. "The trick is to have a good stock of items you can refine into that magic so that you basically have an infinite supply even if you do have to use it. And the best way to stock up on those kind of items is by refining cards. But the only feasible way to get cards is by...playing the card game."

They looked at their acne-ridden selves for a moment and laughed.

"Pfft…what do we look like, a bunch of nerds?" they joked.

 **Final Fantasy IX**

Zidane and Vivi were at an inn. Zidane was practicing his moves before he noticed that Vivi was looking down.

"What's wrong, man?" Zidane asked Vivi.

"Zidane…" a despondent Vivi replied. "You saw those black mages that looked just like me…"

"What about 'em?" Zidane asked.

"They were being manufactured…" Vivi explained. "And I think I'm just like them...I think I'm a product of the machine!"

Vivi began crying as Zidane, taking pity on him, kneeled down to comfort him.

"Calm down dude," said Zidane in a warm, relieving tone, "it's alright. You're no different than anybody else."

Vivi stopped crying soon after hearing that.

"Really?" he said with a sniff.

"Of course!" Zidane exclaimed. "We're all products of the machine! You just learn to live with it!"

"Thanks…" Vivi replied before he realized what Zidane just said. "Wait, WHAT?!"

Everything zoomed out to the real world, where an employee at Square Enix, the one who designed the characters for Final Fantasy IX, was watching this scene and laughing maniacally.

 **Final Fantasy X**

Tidus, Auron, Wakka, Lulu, Yuna, Kimahri, and Rikku were at Seymour's place in Guadosalam. Seymour had just told Auron this…

"We Guado can pick up the scent of the Farplane."

"Huh?" Tidus said as he went over to Auron and started sniffing him. "Boy, the Farplane smells like booze! How many people die from alcohol poisoning in Spira?"

"Not many." Auron replied as he pushed Tidus aside, and Yuna, offended by Tidus' comment, came over to him and slapped him. "I didn't get that smell from the Farplane. Seymour is confused. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a ride to catch."

Auron then walked out of Seymour's house, as the rest of the gang, curious, followed him. A high-class, luxury plane had been waiting for him outside. Inside the plane, which they could see when Auron entered, was a cool-looking bar. After Auron got on the plane, it flew away. Suddenly, something dawned on Tidus…

"Oh…" Tidus said. "I get it now! He's not from the _Far_ plane...his plane is just _far_ out! Uh? Uh?"

Tidus' friends were dead silent until Rikku exclaimed…

"You can cram your bad comedy, you big unfunnyie!"

 **The End**

"Wark! Wark! Wark!" chocobos could be heard making sounds over the credits. "W-Wark! Wark! Wark! W-Wark! W-W-W-W-Wark! Wark! Wark! Wark! Wark! Wark! W-Wark! W-Wark! Wark! Wark! W-W-W-W-Wark! WARK!"

"Wark." Squall said like he would say, "Whatever.".


End file.
